Why waste your valuable money on Rivals or Scout with the dollar slumping and so much porn out there? Hell 2 Da Naw has the hookup, y’all.

The recruiting saga of Terrelle Pryor has seen many twists and turns, but the latest was too much for even us poor sods. Turns out, one Urban Meyer recently promised he could start as a freshman. Apparently, Tim Tebow has been taking snaps at punter, believing it would give him the best chance to witness the Good News…hot shot receiver Julio Jones was recently spotted in a Tuscaloosa diner chatting with a Saban, but not the one you might expect. Billionaire mogul Haim Saban stepped in for a chat, hoping to lure Jones to a resurgent Israeli Football League…cornerback Patrick Johnson now leans towards Notre Dame…our stone cold lock of the week? Omar Hunter to USC…the hold up with Kenny Tate issuing his verbal commitment to Penn State is reportedly his demand for a guarantee of job security for offensive assistant Jay Paterno…don’t be surprised if Sam McGuffie spurns Michigan for the PBA tour…eyes on the ground tell H2DN that Nick Perry might be scared off by the depth chart in Ypsilanti…connected observers swear up and down that Will Hill will prep for a year at Hargrave to boost his GPA in order to meet NCAA requirements…Dayne Crist looking around? Check the flight logs from Pullman in the next few days…Darrell Scott believes he could start for the Trojans from day one. Pete Carroll is scrambling to fill his depth chart…Tommy Streeter is reportedly furious at being slow-played by Piscataway and is backing off his silent to look around…

HEAVEN - Tonight’s winner of the Heavenly Heisman was no surprise really. Jesus Christ, Personal Lord and Savior to Christians Everywhere, won for a stunning 313th year in a row, beating out the Prophet Muhammed, may Peace be upon Him, for a record 40th year (Abraham edged Buddha for third place). As expected, Christ’s foot soldiers on the battlefield we know as the Gridiron won this award for him, opening massive holes in their spread option offense with an amazing receiving corps led by Sts. Augustine and Alphonse.

A tearful Jesus took the podium, heralded by a choir of cherubim, pointing to the sky and thanking God, the Father Almighty. He nodded silently while the audience gave him a standing ovation, finally gently motioning for them to sit down. “I’d first like to thank my family, God and Mary, my step-dad Joseph; you guys have been phenomenal, thanks for being there for everything!” He began. “I’d like to thank Tim Tebow for believing in me so firmly. You’re the best buddy - don’t ever change. I’d like to thank all the angels and the saints, they’re my supporting cast and I have to represent for them - ya’ll know this is for you! I’m so proud just to be able to play football at this level and it’s a real honor to get to be back here this year!” His next few sentences were unintelligible and may have been in Aramaic.

“I’d like to thank Tim Tebow again,” he continued. “Tim Tebow really stood by me through this whole way and my relationship with him has never been stronger.” Jesus finally lifted His golden trophy above His angelic head and shook it triumphantly. “I love all of you!” He exclaimed and left the stage, to be met by Muhammed (Peace be upon Him), who gave him a big hug.

A great night of real humility capped off with a beautiful presentation. Congratulations, Jesus, it was well deserved!

As well we know, Mathletics are a major part of any University’s repertoire of activities - without Mathletes, where would national powerhouses like Carnegie Mellon and University of California Riverside be? Nowhere, that’s where! To build a successful program to attract the nations top Mathletes, you need to exhibit not only the facilities but also the following and environment that stimulates the mathlete - not unlike the athlete. However, he or she can be swayed by a school’s tradition and history of success, not merely wins and losses. Part of those winning ways are folded into the tradition - but that’s why it’s important to allow for up and coming Mathletics programs to try their hands at the Great-Grandaddy of Them All - the Mathlete Rose Bowl.

The Mathlete Rose Bowl usually picks a Pacific Brain League team to face off with a Midwestern Nerd Conference foe in what is billed as the best college Mathlete competition annually. Of course, if one of those teams should be selected to compete in the National Computer Whiz Super Bowl of Mystic Machinery, then the Mathlete Rose Bowl would have to select a replacement team. As everyone knows, this year’s NCWSBoMM features MNC stalwart Notre Dame (and everyone said that they’d never make it!) and Southern Can’t Believe They’re Smart Confederacy opponents Tulane University, who backed in to the match after eking past their Confederacy Championship counterparts Vanderbilt. With their option to make the replacement pick, the Mathlete Rose Bowl selected Case Western over the much deserving Rensselaer Polytechnic, only so that they could protect their precious PBL vs. MNC match up.

What the Mathlete Rose Bowl fails to realize is that they’re artifacts of a bye-gone era, when research was a game strictly for Americans (and any Nazis we needed to hide from the Russians), when Math was used only for the power of splitting the atom, when a Cold War ripped this country in two - Stones vs. Beatles. It’s time for a change in the ranks! Case Western competed in what could be best described as a down year for the MNC, but they still make the Mathlete Rose Bowl? Get your head out of your ass Rose Bowl, give the people the match up they wanted to see: RPI versus California Institute of Technology! It’s this kind of political bullshit that feeds the system. Enough is enough I say and I encourage all of you to boycott the Mathlete Rose Bowl until we see improvement in their otherwise backwards selection scheme.

SOUTH BEND, IN - For the last six years he has been the most wanted man in America. Now he is on his way to South Bend.

Notre Dame shocked the college football world with the announcement of their newest member of the 2008 recruiting class.

“We’re very excited about the newest addition to our team,” announced Irish coach Charlie Weis at a special conference. “If this team can’t beat the service academies, it’s time to bring in someone who can.”

Hell 2 Da Naw will have more on this exclusive story as it develops…

COLUMBUS, OH - Students at the The Ohio State University are still raving over the Halloween costumes worn last weekend by the members of the OSU football team. The Buckeyes wowed the community by imitating great Buckeyes of the past.

Local bartender Eric Cooper was most impressed with the performance of the offense. “The way that [quarterback Todd] Boeckman was throwing the ball was exactly like Art Schlichter. Man, that kid must have had money riding on the Penn State game.” Cooper gave credit to the other skill position players as well. “Beanie Wells just blew me away with his costume. It’s amazing how kids these days remember Archie Griffin even though he played before they were born. I was confused Brian Robiskie, though, ” he continued, “I guess he was going for Cris Carter, or maybe Terry Glenn, I’m not sure. At one point he looked like David Boston, but I suppose he couldn’t get the materials in time to make more muscles for himself.”

Linebacker Marcus Freeman shed some light on how the group planned for the holiday. “We just tried to keep it simple this year, you know? We worked with what we had. James [Laurinaitis] wanted to be AJ Hawk, but we just didn’t have enough makeup or wigs. Then he wanted to be Andy Katzenmoyer, but Coach Heacock told him it was inappropriate to make fun of the mentally handicapped. Finally James just grew a quick porn stache and BOOM - instant Chris Spielman.”

According to Freeman, this team has learned from past experiences. “None of us forget last year. We were going to do a reenactment of the ‘Thriller’ video with Troy Smith in the Michael Jackson role. We spent a lot of hours figuring out the choreography and the hype around campus was huge, but when it came time to perform at the party, we were a huge disappointment.”

Some coaches dressed up too, but for the seventh consecutive year, no one seemed to notice Jim Tressel’s Mr. Rogers costume.

After closing in on watching an impressive 10 games per week, including non-conference games, I am officially the frontrunner for the 2007 Heisman trophy, presented by a truck!

Week 1 started out slowly for me. After weeks of buildup, I was forced to watch games on ESPN360 at work. Even under these auspicious circumstances, I still managed to spread the word about Appalachian State’s miraculous upset of Meeeechigan to my friends via text message. Somehow, I managed to avoid the functional DNP on Sunday by celebrating fiercely, collapsing sometime after question marks after making my way to bars I don’t remember going to.

Week 2 saw much adversity. While once again, I enjoyed watching Meeeechigan collapse against the mythical spread offense, and saw LSU become the behemothy monstrosity against yet another hapless quarterback, the roommate’s girlfriend was in town, and I could not, for the life of me, remember her name. I still managed to watch the Badgers stumble to a victory in Vegas while they canoodled no more than 3 feet away from me.

Week 3 almost took me out of the race. While tailgating in front of a hospital, noon rolled around, and I wondered just exactly how well the Badgers were doing against the 1-AA foe we picked out for the year. “tied 14-14″ was my brother’s reply. The handoff of information, if you will, spurred my running game to the closest bar. Yet, even when confronted with the information that Wisconsin’s defense couldn’t stop a 70 pound 7 year old, it stopped my advance to high-priced alcohol. I was forced to put my friends on my back and carry us to a TV. Pundits all around were hailing my Heisman-like drive.

Week 4 was a microcosm of the season so far: high highs and low lows. The appetizer of Miami’s throtteling of the Aggies couldn’t prepare me for Saturday’s bounty of highlights. I saw Virginia quietly continue their conference winning streak, Syracuse rattling off the biggest upset of the day, and Rice played Texas, not because it was easy, but because it was difficult. My own 4th quarter saw me at the bar, loudly chanting ‘cyclone rejects’ to the Iowa fans clapping for the one touchdown they got. Clearly a clutch play from the intoxicated vetran.

Week 5 was historic. HISTORIC. Oklahoma fell to unranked Colorado, Maryland beat Rutgers, Georgia Tech throttled Clemson, FSU still managed to pull out an important win over Bama, Auburn did what Auburn does and beat Florida in the Swamp, and the Illini out-Zooked Penn State, and I saw it all. I was greatly aided by the dual-watch television setup that I ran my offense through, but I still managed to perform above and beyond all viewing expectations.

Week 6 made me almost miss the last bus home. I had to sit one of my very good friends down on a park bench outside State Street and explain to her the socio-political ramifications of Stanford beating Southern Cal. The inherent parity now available to the previously one-horsed Pac 10, now open to a UCLA squad that had lost to Utah and Notre Dame. In a more personal note, Tebow had a chance to solidify a lead for the Heisman, but instead led to Florida’s second loss in a row.

Week 7 was really boring. I took advantage of the new hi-def TV in my friends room, making the day seem like a non-conference game.

Week 8 saw me slipping away in the race, sacrificing some potentially interesting games to go back to Camp Randall as an alumnus. The gamble almost failed, but I managed a last-ditch effort by hurrying to watch the final of Iowa State - Oklahoma. UCLA said ‘fuck you’ to expectations by beating a Cal team that had fellow Heisman hopeful DeSean Jackson see his chances at a New York invite buried.

Considering how wide open the field is, I can’t believe my stats aren’t getting me noticed.

A special message from Karl Benson, commisioner of the Western Athletic Conference.

Hello out there! Karl here, inviting all the fans of some traditional college football out west for some WAC-tion! Now, I love college football, and I know there’s plenty of people that love college football too. Which is why I’m proud to invite some fellow college football fans to watch some unexciting WAC action this weekend.

The Western Athletic Conference has not upset any national powerhouses. Idaho let USC stomp then, which is more than Stanford could do. Fresno State realized that it wasn’t quite time for Dennis Franchione to be fired, so the Bulldogs missed a two-point conversion to let the Aggies win a thriller. They subsequently lost to Oregon, ensuring that all would be right in the world of college football.

Remember Boise State? The dramatic excitement of their thrilling game against Oklahoma was a Disney-esque fairytale story, and we were glad to have it happen. The mere fact that Oklahoma let Boise State run three different trick plays against them to succession meant that Ian Johnson and Chris Peterson were going home with victories: a true national powerhouse would have been Goliath.

This year, Hawaii looks like the team that’ll get a BCS nod. Not from extremely skillful players or tremendous upsets, but by a gimmicky passing scheme putting up 50+ points on schools names that have State in them, but are not actually a state. If they do, in fact, make it to a BCS bowl instead of their traditional Hawaii Bowl, then they’ll surely be cremated by a team with a top 20 pass defense.

In fact, due to diligent scheduling, no WAC school is in line to upset a powerhouse anymore. We’re in the thick of conference play, where Boise State and Hawaii will continue an onslaught until they meet for their game on the final week of the season.

So, come to WAC country. It’s a place that values preseason polls and championship pedigrees by staying far away from them.

Much has been made in the media and on message boards about the epic failures of the Notre Dame football team this year. You can’t watch a game without being reminded that it’s the worst start in school history, or that they rank at the bottom of D-1A in most offensive categories. And I don’t just mean during ND games, you can watch Ball State vs. Eastern Michigan and be reminded of this.

As much as people focus on this, however, no one seems to care how this is affecting the fans of this storied program. And I don’t just mean the fans who loved Rudy or who coincidentally root for the New York Yankees, New England Patriots, and Tiger Woods as well. I mean those who have deep family ties to the institution. People, like me, who have actually been to South Bend outside of football season.

What follows is a sort of diary of how each Irish loss has taken it’s toll on me this year. As I reflect on the season, I notice three trends. First, no matter where I go I can’t avoid seeing the game. Second, there’s only so much I can watch of each massacre. Third, there is one solution to all Irish problems: beer. I used to think it was just an offensive stereotype that Irish loved to drink. Then I started drinking and goddamit I love beer.

WEEK ONE
Opponent: Georgia Tech

My Location: My brother’s house in Durham, NC

How was the game: Well the defense was better than I expected but holy shit did that offense suck. I couldn’t tell if Demetrius Jones was just that bad or if Charlie Weis just doesn’t know how to run a spread option. The final ruling is “both.”

Beer of choice: Carolina Brewing Company Octoberfest

How was the beer: Pretty damn good. Before the game, my brother took me to the brewery for their weekly tour. Basically you get to walk around the big room where they do all the brewing and you get to sample as much of their beers as you want for free. This kept the day from being a total bust. That and the Michigan loss to Appalachian State.

When did I stop watching: At halftime we went to go eat pizza. His four kids (ages 8, 6, 4, and 2) don’t understand how important football is and how it is more important than when you get to eat. I really didn’t mind leaving, though. The pizza was good and I watched the second half on Tivo after the rugrats went to bed. Oh, and I had more beer.

WEEK TWO
Opponent: @ Penn State

My Location: My house in Columbus, OH

How was the game: It started out pretty well when ND returned an interception for a touchdown. Little did I know that would basically be the extent of the scoring. A mix of good and bad from Jimmy Clausen in his first start, mostly bad. Weis’ playcalling was way too safe.

Beer of choice: Guiness Extra Stout

How was the beer: It’s Guiness. It’s awesome. BRILLIANT

When did I stop watching: I actually didn’t. It helped that I was watching with two ND alumni, or else I may have switched to another, more competitive game. The second half of South Florida-Auburn was pretty fun.

WEEK THREE
Opponent: @ Michigan

My Location: My house

How was the game: I had some hope that ND could win because Michigan was a pretty shitty 0-2 as well. But ND proved that this would be a season of finding new ways to embarass themselves.

Beer of choice: Carolina Brewing Company Nut Brown Ale

How was the beer: I brought a six pack of this back from NC. This is a very nice dark beer with a sweet taste. As the name implies, it’s nutty, but also has a somewhat chocolatey flavor too.

When did I stop watching: I watched the Ohio State-Washington game first with the intent of flipping back and forth. Once I saw how bad things were going, however, the urge to change channels faded quickly. The OSU game was a better game to watch anyway.

WEEK FOUR
Opponent: Michigan State

My Location: My sister’s house in Pittsburgh, PA

How was the game: The most glaring stat entering the game was the negative rush yardage through the first three weeks. Even though Weis has always favored the pass, even Hawaii or Texas Tech manage to get some rushing yardage each week. Therefore, even though a win was not expected, the fact that ND got positive rush yards and *GASP* a rushing TD (two! holy shit!) meant that there were some positives to take from this game.

Beer of choice: Dogfish Head Punkin Ale

How was the beer: I was really looking forward to trying this because I love ales and I love the flavor of pumpkin. However, I found this beer to be kind of disappointing. The other spices that were added did not really do anything for me. I finished the bottle because I don’t waste beer, but this isn’t something I’ll go out of my way to try again anytime soon. If there is a better pumpkin beer out there, let me know.

When did I stop watching: Halftime. What is it with my siblings leaving for dinner at halftime? And they’re the assholes who actually graduated from that institution. This isn’t Ohio U, people.

WEEK FIVE

Opponent: @ Purdue

My location: My house

How was the game: I know it’s the talk of losers, but this game featured progress, and I think that’s a positive development. I don’t like that a QB controversy could erupt, but it was good to see the offense rack up the yardage and score some damn points. The Irish were within striking distance late in the game, and if they can keep doing that, they’ll finally get some wins.

Beer of choice: Campbell’s Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup

How was the beer: As you can see, it wasn’t beer. I was sick so beer actually sounded disgusting to me. The soup did make me feel a little better, though. However, is it just me or does a chicken-flavored beer sounds delicious right now?

When did I stop watching: I actually didn’t. I was reading a book during commercials so my attention wasn’t 100% on the game. I also may have dozed off at one point due to the sickness.

WEEK SIX

That brings us to today. Notre Dame is playing at UCLA. Considering that UCLA nearly beat the Irish in South Bend last year, there is very little chance of ND winning this one on the West Coast. What I’ll look for is more offensive progress and as a result maybe a fresher defense can keep points off the board.

As for me, I’ll probably watch it at home on the ol’ HD TV and I plan on watching the whole thing. Beer of choice? I haven’t decided, but I’m leaning towards Smithwicks. I’ve got a bunch in my fridge and it will give me a chance to mix things up while keeping the Irish theme. Either way, I’m too damn happy about my Cleveland Indians kicking ass in baseball to care too much about football. It doesn’t really start until baseball’s over, right?

Current Texas A&M coach Dennis Franchoine is the highest blogger, sports-related or otherwise, in the United States, MySA.com reports. His blog, “VIP Connection,” while sparsely read, managed to receive donations to support it’s upkeep conservatively placed at $140,000.

His weekly insights into Texas A&M football have gone unnoticed by blogs like Deadspin, EDSBS, and even their staunch Aggie supporters at Texas A&M and Baseball, which again adds to the mystery of how Franchoine, who is a well-known figure outside the blogosphere, managed to make a substantial living by blogging without neigh-required linking from other sources.

Joe Paterno was unavailable for a quirky comment that would reflect how old he is.

Over the past week, there’s been a lot of talk of how poorly Notre Dame has been playing. Yet to score an offensive touchdown, and having been shelled to the tune of 30+ points their last 3 games, heavy criticism has fallen on head coach’s Charlie Weis’ sloping shoulders. After 2 straight BCS bowl appearances, what’s changed since January 2007 to put the Fighting Irish in this position? Here’s a few of the reasons of the downfall of the South Bend team.

Charlie Weis is no longer fat

Look at him. He spent all summer on his treadmill listening to easy jazz. His killer instinct for ham has left him, and with it the offensive genius that helped Brady Quinn become a first round draft pick.

Charlie Weis in Law & Order: Special Gastronomic Unit

Going bear claw in bear claw with the first reason, Charlie Weis’ essay “How I Spent My Summer” was chiefly about his battle with the doctor that almost killed him on the operating table. The Jersey man, naturally used to planning every facet of an offense, had to cram 4-5 years of law schooling in a month, in order to represent his own interests. Micheal Mone’s strings were clearly pulled by Weis’ brilliant hands.

Charlie Weiss Is One Of Those Yeerks from Animorphs

Remember them? They could only spend like 3 days away from their feeding pool without shriveling up and dying. Charlie Weiss’ third year away from the Patriots and suddenly he’s not the same coach anymore? Clearly, Weiss feeds on the spirit of Jimmy Hoffa for his power.

Jimmy Clausen Isn’t Very Good

He can throw a heck of a screen pass, though!

Charlie Weis & Brady Quinn

~ring ring~ “Hello, Brady speaking.”

“I’ve missed you sooo much BQ.”

“(giggles) Coach, I told you not to call me anymore. We don’t play on the same teeaaaaam anymore.”

“I just missed the way you can command a deep ball-

oh god I’m going to vomit