There’s something rotten in State College, and we’re not talking about Grandpa Joe’s dentures.
They’ve long known in Nittany-ville that the referees are biased against the Nittany Lions. All throughout 2006, Joe Paterno was eying the Alamo Bowl as he does his pile of Betty Page papyri every night. Alas, ’twas not meant to be. The evil Big Ten commissioner’s office, run by the tight knit Ohio State/Michigan cartel, in an act frighteningly akin to rape, brutally forced Penn State to play in Tampa instead.
Paterno exhales following his daily session in the hyperbaric chamber.
The latest outrage might just be the straw that broke the camels’ back however, following the endless anti-Penn State conspiracies to keep them out of the national championship game and starting DI-AA caliber offensive linemen. This time, the NCAA or the central Big Ten offices don’t even bear the full brunt of the blame, although predictably they still do play a central role.
By and large, owing to popular consensus, the most prestigious award throughout the land is the legendary Fulmer Cup.
Unfortunately for one Joseph Paterno, much like that mystical bowel movement, he has not seen the cup for years. 2007 was the year that everything was to change. First, he made a backup safety hit a woman with a car. In order to really seal the deal against those pesky Fighting Zookers, he ordered his shock drops to crash a party, drive while intoxicated, and drink while underage. All was going according to plan, until the damned man stepped in and once again crushed the dreams of our hero; that daring example of recklessness and iconoclasty; dismissing most of the remaining charges against star safety Anthony Scirrotto.
Who leads atop the Fulmer Cup standings at this point? With only 2 days remaining, TEAM REDACTED still enjoys a commanding lead attributable to the aforementioned shenanigans. Michigan might be making a late run, and it is never wise to count out FULMER, COCKS, NUTT, or those crafty Vandals. Still, much like Juice’s TD/INT ratio and Zook’s resume after the season, the Illini are truly going places in this Fulmer Cup race, just as they’ll be going to Detroit this season to spend Christmas in the company of Northern Illinois. Meanwhile, poor, downtrodden, perennial sad sack Penn State will once again be forced to take their ball and go home straight to Orlando.
