Announcer: Last week, on Top Back…
CJ Gable: Listen man, I didn’t come to (expletive) camp to see myself off the two-deep. I’m gonna play this year man. I’m gonna play.
Emmanuel Moody: (Stafon) Johnson says you botched this week’s Safety Drill for the two of ya. You know Coach was lookin’ real hard at ya, and ya still blew it for your team. You know how that looks, you know.
Gable: He knows who’s the best, and that’s me.
Announcer: And Chauncey Washington tells us his thoughts on the latest Two-Deep…
Chauncey Washington: Man, feeling real good about that. I may be dinged up after practice, but Coach still knows who’s the best. I was the go-to guy last season, and Coach hasn’t changed that.
Announcer: We now go live to the Cutting Room, where USC Coach Pete Carroll is about to decide who will remain as a Top Back…
Pete Carroll: I’m about to read the names of 4 tailbacks on the roster. When I call your name, I want you to come up and take a USC Song Girl. That means that you’ll be staying for another week. pulls out list Chauncey Washington. CJ Gable. Stafon Johnson. Allen Bradford. The rest of you are backups.
Emmanuel Moody: Fuck it, I’m goin’ to Florida.
Team : University of Southern California Trojans
Location : Los Angeles, California
Stadium: LA Memorial Coliseum (Capacity: 92,000)
Coach : Pete Carroll
2006 Record/Finish : 11-2 (7-2), Pac 10 Champions, Rose Bowl Champions
2007 H2DN Prediction : 12-0 (9-0), Pac 10 Champions
Top Returner : ERROR: BUFFER MEMORY OVERFLOW. (A)BORT, (R)ETRY, (F)AIL?
Biggest Loss : Steve Smith (WR), Dwayne Jarrett (WR).
ESPN Incessant Talking Point: If you took the Atlanta Hawks and replaced them with the Trojan’s football team, would they make the playoffs? The answer is yes. They would also receive a first-round bye.
Key Offseason Event : Hello ladies and Will Ferrel.
Additional Notes : Jeeeeesus this team is stacked. Talent, experience, depth. Pete Carroll can essentially yell “Run left,” “Pass deep left,” from a bullhorn on the sidelines, and the Trojans will turn it into 6 against almost anyone. Kryptonite doesn’t even weaken them. Fuck, I hate to sound like ESPN but everything this Trojan team does will be amazing.
WAIT, WAIT, THEY LOSE THEIR KICKER. This means they’ll get almost no touchbacks on kickoffs. So, all an opposing team has to do is make them take long-distance field goals. Which means limiting them to under 10 yards in 3 tries. So, ok, let’s say that Booty gets pressured by, no wait that lines too good. Let’s say a DB manages to get a jump on the pass. That’s one down, no net gain. And maybe, like, Washington catches his cleats on the turf poorly and ends up falling behind the line of scrimmage! That sets up a 3rd and 12! Put your entire defense 5 yards back from the line of scrimmage. Stay back in pass until that ball crosses the line of scrimmage, then attack for all it’s worth.
Seriously, it’s either that or goad them into a penalty. Then do it again next time they get the ball: most likely after you run a 3-and-out on their defense.
Fun Fact : It’s a rainy, miserable, painfully slow day at work. I spent it looking up USC Song Girl pics. Opportunity waits for no man.
November 6, 2007 at 7:00 am
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