Last season the Texas Longhorns developed a dirty little secret: they’ve been suiting up cyborgs in football uniforms. Twenty lucky linemen and freshmen (we’re looking at you, Colt McCoy) have a new pre-game warm-up.
Mack Brown: The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, or when go to church or when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Colt: What truth?
Mack Brown: That you are a slave, Colt. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. (long pause, sighs) Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. (In his left hand, Mack Brown shows a blue pill.) You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and your scholarship will be pulled. (a red pill is shown in his other hand) You take the red pill and you stay in Austin and I show you how to manipulate the polls. (Long pause; Colt begins to reach for the red pill) Remember — all I am offering is the truth, nothing more. (Colt takes the red pill and swallows it with a glass of water)
Each player is given an electronic capsule the size of a thimble to ingest that allows the coaching staff to monitor their body temperature. However, we suspect it might have alternative functionalities - like uploading playbooks instantaneously into a player’s brain. Woah, I know the wishbone.
These pills pass safely through the players’ bodies and are apparently perfectly reusable. However, this practice is strictly forbidden by the FDA. Thus, the Longhorns are urging students to no longer chant “Give ‘em hell, give ‘em hell, make ‘em eat shit!” under the fear that a used pill might still be in the excrement.
Meanwhile, rival coach Dennis Franchione of Texas A&M is intrigued by the new technology, but unable to free up enough room in the budget. He is believed to be researching whether breaking FDA regulations can result in NCAA sanctions.
