Here is a simple three step how-to guide on turning manly sports like football, NASCAR, and competitive hot dog eating into a “sport” for girls like soccer, tennis, and baseball:
Step one: Enact seemingly minor rule changes to promote safety
No sport can consider itself manly without the fear of instantaneous death. The Aztecs got it right when they introduced tlachtli to the professional sporting world. Although tossing a rubber ball into a small hoop might seem innocuous, losing meant guaranteed disembowelment for sacrifice to the gods. I doubt ESPN would think of LeBron James as very NOW from the bottom of a 100-foot pit.
Changing the “roughing the passer” penalty into the “ruffling with the passer’s hair” penalty is one such example of sissyfication. Why else would someone have tuned into Houston Texans games except for the chance to brag that they were watching live the day that David Carr was assassinated by a cornerback blitz?
Step two: Alienate the heroes of the league
Pacman Jones and Michael Vick should have medals pinned on their chest after their heroic service among two of the worst franchises in the league. And yet, the second a little trouble appears on the horizon, the league decides to these players to the dogs.
Step three: Invite Oprah to be involved with your sport
This should be the simplest and most obvious step to avoid. And yet, the NFL insists on inviting Oprah to ESPN’s Monday Night Football.
Oprah is the hive queen of housewives and housewives-to-be all across the country. If anything, we should be sending troops ala Starship Troopers to bomb the fuck out of her before her slimy tentacles grab hold of more hapless viewers. The last thing we, as the manliest of men, want is our wives to force us to read more shitty books or learn the art of Step Counting.
