Give yourself to the Illini. It is the only way you can save your friends. Yes, your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for… quarterback. So, you have a running quarterback. Your feelings have now betrayed him, too. Your coach was wise to hide him from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Illini… then perhaps he will…
If he could be turned, he would be a powerful ally.
Team - Illinois Fighting Illini
Location - Champaign, Illinois
Stadium - Death Star Memorial Stadium (69,259)
Coach - Darth Zook
You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the Big 10.
2006 Record/Finish - 2 -10 (1-7), T - 10th Big 10.
2007 H2DN Prediction - 9-3 (5-3), T - 4th Big 10.
Top Returner - Juice Williams (QB), J Leman (LB), Rashard Mendenhall (RB).
Biggest Loss - Pierre Thomas (RB).
ESPN Incessant Talking Point - How Zook’s recruits helped Urban Meyer win a national championship.
Key Offseason Event - Destruction of Alderaan, choking of offensive coordinator Ozzel.
Additional Notes - This is a team overflowing with scary-good talent, led by a coach that does nothing but recruit. Seriously, in his contract Zook has 3 months of paid vacation: September through November.
Having said that, coughing up the ball 15 more times than their opposition is just about the only thing that kept Illinois home in the post season. Their 33-0 drubbing of Rutgers looks a lot better in hindsight than the second week of the season. They had their share of closer wins too: 4 of the sub-8 point variety, and had possession as time expired at Camp Randal and against Ohio State.
I find your lack of faith disturbing. Seriously, I was driving on Ohio State.
What we’re looking at is the single greatest turnaround in the Bowl Championship Subdivision. A bowl is guaranteed, double-digit wins not completely out of the window. An away slate at Indiana, Iowa, and Minnesota look like easy pickings, and with Penn State, Wisconsin, and Michigan coming to the Death Star’s sold-out crowds, I’m beginning to sound a lot more sober aren’t I?
But, talent can’t carry a team. We come back to Lord Zook. Limitless potential governed by the coaching mind of a first grader. Expect shootouts, 4th quarter comebacks of both the winning and losing variety, and most importantly, the transferral of ownership of the fireronzook.com domain.
Fun Fact - Your destiny lies with me. Hoeppner knew this to be true.
