Hell2DaNaw.com

Now that you’ve got an idea on how to act with contempt should the glorious SEC choose your school, and how to have a marching band that won’t get you sanctions from the NCAA, now you have to choose a team name and mascot. Its tedious and very difficult, as there are probably people pushing you every which way. Here’s some tips to keep in mind:

• Pick something people will know what they are: Volunteers, Buckeyes, Hokies: No one outside of their region REALLY understands what those are or why, but people still go with ‘em. For every Longhorn, there is also a Green Wave. What the fuck Marshall?

  
  Outside of those with allergic reactions, no one is scared of fucking nuts. Especially Gators.

• Pick shit that is AWESOME: People don’t want to be seen with a pussy mascot. Look at team names like the Fightin’ Irish (more drunken-wife-beater than mean) or the Boilermakers (Beer, man. Beer). Hell, go with anything that involves alcohol, you can’t go wrong.

  
  Screw what I said, I’d sure as hell commit to the Drunken Beerfrau’s

• No more Wildcats, Tigers, or Gophers: The first two are overused and sound like names taken from the Athletic Director’s son’s little league team. And Gophers? What kind of dumbass name is Gophers?
• Nothing Sexual: Seriously, how are we going to take your fans - much less your team - seriously while wearing shirts/jerseys and hats with the words “Gamecocks”, “Beavers” and “Trojans”. Seriously.

  
  Here at Hell2DaNaw, we believe the best jokes write themselves

• Pick something your mascot can actually BE: Sure Crimson Tide is an awesome name, but you can’t exactly parade a 22 year old undergrad with a Sports Management major in a 6 foot tall Tampon suit.

  
  I said the mascot couldn’t be a six foot bleeding vagina sponge, thank you very much
  

• Use long-dead or dying culture names: Sure, you get shit from the Sioux or Illini claiming you’re drawing negative attention to their tribes (all the while drinking ‘fire water’ in their casinos - I’m looking at you Seminoles) they still usually have bitchin’ names. The rule stands: the more bad-ass the culture, the less likely you’ll get sued. I mean, how many Spartans have claimed defamation from Michigan St?

So there’s a few tips and tricks to keep your team from being a laughingstock, at least for a year or two.