As I write this article, I’m less than 12 hours away from a 7:30am date with my Roman Archeology exam, but college football is on my mind. Please don’t misunderstand me, I love talking about the plaster casts of bodies that litter the streets of Pompeii as much as the next red-blooded American man, but to be perfectly honest, sometimes I’d rather just dream about football. Is that so wrong? “But wait,” I hear you say, “aren’t you at school to learn? You pay tuition, right?” Well, yes and no; you see, I am learning. I am learning about anatomy, I’m learning about the value of discipline, and business acumen. College is so much more than classes though, and that’s an important lesson that one of my roommates needs to learn (seriously Rob, go the fuck outside and do something other than study and masturbate). College is about rivalries, about forgetting where you parked your car or who the hell is it that you woke up with this morning. It’s so much more than some buildings, a congregation of people, an institution of learning, or fearing for your life (feel free to insert Virgina Tech joke of choice). To some of us, college is a magical four to seven years that centers around grills, tents in your team’s colors, gasoline-powered generators, satellite TVs on the Quad, and ululations of joy usually emitted near the engineering building (probably all those foreign kids playing soccer).
You see, there’s an important distinction between teams that are good at football (heretofore referred to as “sports”) and those that aren’t: when you’ve been blessed with a good team, there is no off-season. Perhaps I shoud repeat that for all you idiots who only took Business Law once and actually passed: there is no off-season. Ever. You don’t stop loving your team just because you’re at the baseball game and your school had a poor recruiting year. Hell, everyone knows that your team is renowned for developing its talent, finding diamonds in the rough no one else knew existed. So what if they don’t go to the NFL? Basically, my point is that when you’re at your precious baseball game, if you’re approached by a real sports fan who wants to talk about a real sport, you had damned well better be prepared. Isn’t it a damned shame that never-again-to-be-named in-state recruit that you had set your eyes on left for some other school on the West Coast (or the South, if you’re on the West Coast)? Also, while I’m at it, why the hell aren’t you buying your team’s season recap DVD right now? You’re on the internet, reading my article instead of supporting your athletics program. Bad move, but don’t worry, it’s a classic mistake. If you already have the recap DVD, then why aren’t you watching it? If you’ve already watched it, then why aren’t you watching it again and critiquing your coaches’ performances? Hell, we both know you’d do a better job than that dumbass.
The only thing left once you’ve completed those tasks, I guess, is to start a college football blog. Or jump on the bandwagon once it gets rolling. Whatever suits your style. Why a blog, you ask? Well, how the hell else is everyone going to know what an expert you are? And they called me stupid!
