Hell2DaNaw.com

At H2DN, we have a tough screening process. You have to be more than just knowledgeable about college sports. You have to be a huge fan of a college football team. We don’t want people that just “love the sport.” We want people that are a bit crazy about a team. For all you aspiring H2DN writers, please take a look at the following requirements:

Favorite Team

First, you must have a favorite team. And if it isn’t from a BCS conference you are working an uphill battle. And if they don’t go to bowl games, you might as well just forget it. We are snobby. If your team has hot cheerleaders and you can provide enough pictures, we have been known to make exceptions.

Handling Criticism

When someone says something like, “Your team is going to have a hard time stopping <insert skilled player here> on Saturday,” you will respond with “THAT GUY IS GAY AND HE’S NEVER BEEN UP AGAINST A REAL DEFENSE LIKE OURS!” Then, let the conversation degenerate into insults about the other team, their mothers, their fans, their coaches, and most importantly their band.

In-Game Etiquette

While attending a game, be sure to be the loudest, most obnoxious person within sight. Anytime someone looks at you, start up a cheer. It doesn’t have to be a school sanctioned cheer. It could be a variation on the opponent’s fight song or just random insulting words. The more profanity, the better!

Also, you should yell at all times. Offense, defense, special teams, time outs, singing of the alma mater, national anthem, everything.

Priorities

When someone says something about special teams or the offensive line tell them to shut the hell up because those positions don’t matter. Nobody cares about 300+ pound fattys who just sit there and grab each other. Nobody cares about the little skinny twig that kicks the ball. They don’t mean anything! They call the other offensive positions SKILL positions for a reason. They are the only skilled ones on the team!

Optimism

Before a game (or season) begins, a negative word about your team should never leave your lips. Ever. Not even if your starting quarterback shoots up a church full of old people and kittens. The old people were going to die anyway and the kittens probably looked at him funny! They all deserved it! Things are going just great at your school. All the bad players from last year are now “more experienced” and all the new players are going to be “instant stars.” Memorize those phrases and say them often.

Pessimism

Once a game begins, it is okay to badmouth every player that ever: drops a pass, misses a tackle, is on the field when the other team scores, doesn’t score when they touch the ball, gets called for a penalty, or scores. They should’ve done more. In fact, if your team doesn’t score every play, SOMEONE IS MESSING UP!

Looking Back

When a game is over, if you won it was because your team was the best and the other team just couldn’t hang with the massive talent. If you lose, it is because the refs screwed you or the other team cheated or you had a player that was injured or your coach was being blinded by someone across the field with a shiny object.

If you meet all these requirements, please email us at sasncaafblog@gmail.com!