For those of you not in the know, the Fulmer Cup is an offseason award handed out by EDSBS to the team that spends its free time in the most productive ways. After compiling the all-time Fulmer Cup scoreboard, it became clear to us at H2DN that several schools are shockingly scoreless.
1. Florida State Seminoles - What happened to the Criminoles that we all came to know and love? Bobby Bowden’s grasp on the program has been slipping for some time now; it’s been showing in the win column and, more importantly, it’s been showing on the rap sheet.
Before the recent drought, this school produced some of the best Fulmer Cup material to see the field. Who can forget the legacy of Florida State’s finest, Adrian McPherson? In his time at Florida State, McPherson illegally gambled, committed multiple accounts of credit card fraud, shoplifted, gambled some more, threw a game, and stole a blank check. Now that’s a true champion.
2. Southern Cal Trojans - Okay, so it’s not exactly in Compton, but since when do gangstaz pay attention to geographic boundaries? Either way, with the limelight that the program is in, it’s amazing that Pete Carroll can keep his kids focused and out of jail. Even Boise State couldn’t resist celebrating its BCS victory with a DUI or two; how has USC managed to resist the temptation after the epic one-Pete?
Mark Sanchez almost opened the floodgates and heralded a new, Fulmer Cup rich era at the University of Southern California; we give credit to overzealous boosters with lots of money for burying that scandal.
3. Florida International Panthers - This is a team that needs to diversify its street cred portfolio. Right now they’ve got all their hard earned cred pooled into the big brawl with cross-town rival Miami - once that event fades from public memory, what are they going to retire on? The market is ripe with opportunity for investment with both Miami and Florida State in a recession. I suggest taking a serious look into driving under the influence, dealing cocaine, and harboring refugees from Cuba in dorm rooms. And with nine less scholarships to give out next year thanks to an abysmal APR score, we should expect a few walk-ons committing robberies to boot.
4. Michigan State Spartans and 5. Minnesota Golden Gophers - The fact of the matter is that the Big Ten’s domination of the Fulmer Cup can’t be secured without the full cooperation of the entire conference. Although the heavy hitters Illinois, Michigan, and Penn State have helped the Big 10 rack up a whooping 95 points in less than two offseasons, the SEC is scratching and clawing their way back to the top.
Meanwhile, Michigan State and Minnesota have been sitting on their ass playing Patty Cake with each other. Until these teams start producing, Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany needs to consider probation and possible expulsion from the conference.
