Back in the times of Stravinsky, people sacrificed to the gods to maintain their benevolence and favor. Similarly, throughout the month of April, college football fans across the country perform highly-structured rituals in hopes of a successful season and bumper harvest in the fall. Whether it’s corn in Nebraska, potatoes in Idaho, or the sweet methamphetamine of the heartland.
To start off, we visit those lovable chums in Piscataway. Finally having some good weather for once, they managed to set an attendance record! Look at those record crowds!
You ought not to fuck with Kenny Britt.
Still, here in New Jersey we are slowly learning. Give us time! We can’t brainwash the kiddies overnight.
They were promised cookies afterwards.
Still, for those High School readers out there still dealing with the vexing application process, football is not the only reason you should go to Rutgers.
Hi there.
Moving on, Hell 2 Da Naw managed to stop by in Tuscaloosa to take a gander at the debut of the Nick Saban era. No doubt spurred by rumors of the Bear’s necromancy, Tide fans showed up in force for their first taste of the coach that they will want fired in three years.
The Nextel Cup race must have ended early.
Fans were not disappointed by the play on the field, but were distressed to see one Coach Saban reflexively clutching the palm of Prince Hall. Still, if he beats Auburn, he probably won’t have a brick thrown through his window this year.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Finally, our journey takes us to State College, where the evil one surely has nefarious schemes planned as part of his continuing struggle against death itself.
I will eat your soul.
Still, Penn State fans miraculously found time between arguing over who played Zombie Nation first and complaining about referees to finally be human beings for once. Huzzah!
But they’re still pissed about Kevin Jones.
