Hell2DaNaw.com

Apparently after reading Hell2DaNaw’s Iowa Edition of YouTube Superfans, 4-year-old Caden Thomas felt the need to replicate what he saw on YouTube and in the process was taken down by Colorado State’s George Hill. He needed 30 stitches to close the bleeding gash on his forehead and suffered permanent brain damage, although now he should fit right in with the rest of the fans of Colorado State. (ZING)

After watching this video repeatedly for hours on end, giggling like a little boy on Christmas Eve, I came to a conclusion. I love watching babies get fucked up. There’s something about watching those drunken midgets with giant heads and hilarious vocabularies getting pummeled that makes my heart warm up and my soul fill with a golden fuzzy hue. And I wanted to share this same exact feeling with everyone, which is why, in a stroke of brilliance, I invented the concept of Babyball. Essentially, it’s exactly the same as football, only instead of officials and other players filling up the sidelines, it’s babies. Hundreds upon hundreds of children, ranging from newborn to toddler, piled on top of each other and forced to stand at the very edges of the field. It’ll be Arena football, only instead of walls, it’d be a writhing mass of humanity. We’d be seeing commercials on ESPN with the tagline of “If These Babies Could Talk.” We’d have Ultimate Highlights of wide receivers diving into a pile of 2-year-olds to get that floater and then spiking the ball and a baby simultaneously. Top Ten plays would be inundated with a quarterback getting sacked into a veritable nursery of newborns, then spiking the ball and a baby simultaneously.

Now, I can tell people will be a bit skeptical of all this. I can see the future hate mail from West Virginia fans: “You don’t know what it’s like as a parent to watch your child get hurt!” “No one will willingly put their babies on the sideline of a football game, under any circumstances!” (Editor’s note: the future spelling mistakes were corrected)

My retort? Fuck. That. Noise. Not to mention West Virginia babies are half-retarded in the first place. First off, we’ll be using orphans. It’s not like they’ll be able to feel pain anyway. They’re like insects in that way. Secondly, we’ll be paying the parents to put their babies on the line. If all goes according to plan, we’ll be raking in the advertising dough. And finally, at the very worst, I’ll put my own babies on the line. I can guarantee there are some women out there as intrigued by the idea of Babyball as I am. (call me)

I feel like this sport will be a huge success. Compounding the excitement of football with the hilarity of babies getting the shit knocked out of ‘em seems like a natural progression. Now if only I can find a way to incorporate the basketball team’s extracurricular activities.