Hell2DaNaw.com

Congratulations, Tar Heels, on your attempt at college football legitimacy by signing former University of Miami coach Butch Davis to helm your program. For a long time now UNC and Triangle buddy Duke have been the laughing stocks of the ACC, and D-1 in general. Certainly there is reason for optimism with this hiring, but as someone who has been burned by Butch in the past, I offer these caveats:

Carolina blue is faaaaabulous!

1. What the hell kind of name is “Butch”? Just look at this weaselly piece of shit. There is nothing about him that seems very “Butch” to me. I guess someone named Paul Hilton Davis wouldn’t get as far in this career path.

2. Thug U Butch helped bring Da U back from the brink of elimination, but he did so by resorting to the same tactics that had gotten the program in trouble in the first place. If you’ll do anything to win, fine, but don’t cry to me when Chapel Hill is overrun by murders, drug dealers, and gang bangers.

How YOU doin’?

3. Jump to the NFL By all accounts, Miami got the shaft from the BCS in 2001. Rather than stick around for one more year to bring the crystal football to South Florida, he bolted for an opportunity to helm an NFL team. No doubt, the worst part of this was giving any sort of credibility to Larry Coker. Coker can claim more national championships than Bo Schembechler. That ain’t right.

4. Managed to turn the Browns into even more of a laughingstock For the sake of full disclosure, I am a Cleveland Browns fan. I bleed Brown and Orange (I should probably see a doctor about that). In four short years Butch did irreparable damage to the franchise. In the two years since he “resigned” most of his players have been cut or traded. None of those have done that well in their new locations, either.

5. Has the nerve to call himself a draft expert He picked Gerard “Big Money” Warren over Richard Seymour and LaDainian Tomlinson. He drafted Chaun Thompson out of powerhouse West Texas A&M in the second round. He drafted a longsnapper in the fifth round (actually that was a pretty good pick - love ya, Ryan!) He gave up a second round pick to move up ONE SPOT to draft Kellen Winslow, who he had recruited to play at Miami. And yet despite this, the NFL Network hired him to participate in their draft coverage. Just another sign that the NFL gets off on making Browns fans cry. I guess our tears are made of gold or something.

6. What in the fuck is a quarterback? Chapel Hill is certain to go nuts over the signal callers that Butch brings in. Too bad they are doomed to failure. In the past, Miami was known for producing NFL Hall of Famers like Jim Kelly, Vinnie Testaverde, Bernie Kosar, and Gino Torretta. The best QB to come out of the Butch era was Ken “I’m worse than Charlie Frye or Derek Anderson” Dorsey. In Cleveland, he was constantly torn between Tim Couch and Kelly Holcomb, which was the case study for “if you think you have two starting QBs, you have none.” And let’s not even talk about the Jeff Garcia Experiment.

7. Took the Browns to the playoffs Yes, this is a bad thing. It’s bad because it actually gave us HOPE that the Browns had finally hit the big time. We actually believed that Couch and Holcomb was a successful tandem, that William Green was an unstoppable playmaker, and that Quincy Morgan was capable of catching a pass. Through smoke and mirrors and a possible bribe of Paul Tagliabue, the Browns secured a Wild Card berth to the playoffs in 2002. We got to play at Pittsburgh in the first round against our ancient rivals the Steelers. Much to our surprise, we actually had a lead! In the second half! And then XFL Superstar Tommy Maddox lead the Steelers to 22 fourth quarter points and the Steelers won 36-33. So rather than a triumphant season, we get another heartbreaking playoff loss. A crushing defeat would have been much less painful than being teased with possible victory.

This leads me to the next item:

8. Can’t actually coach worth shit As good as he is as a college recruiter, he can’t actually coach the game of football. During his tenure at Miami he presided over such players as Ray Lewis, Edgerrin James, Bubba Franks, Dan Morgan, Santana Moss, Reggie Wayne, Jeremy Shockey, Ed Reed, and Clinton Portis. Yet despite the fact that a team with these players could win a Super Bowl, Butch couldn’t win a BCS title. In Cleveland, he had a lead over Pittsburgh and blew it by switching to a prevent defense. In that game, Kelly Holcomb threw for over 400 yards. In Butch’s final game as coach, Holcomb accomplished this feat again, but the Browns still lost to the Bengals.

Tommy Maddox stole my milk money waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

9. Don’t Panic! He blamed that Cincinnati loss on panic attacks he was having. Apparently he couldn’t handle the pressure of getting paid millions of dollars to teach the best athletes in the world how to win games. Luckily his “resignation” came with a handsome severance package that meant he could panic about where to take a two year vacation and not have to worry about coaching a team led by Luke “Somehow worse than my brother” McCown.

10. Cancer Last month it was announced that Butch is undergoing chemotherapy treatment for non-Hodgkins lymphoma that was found in his mouth. Our society has immense sympathy for cancer victims, and rightfully so. I’ve had family members die from cancer, and I can attest to the fact that it is an awful thing. As a result, however, it is considered taboo to make fun of people for it. Well I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anything make me feel bad for Butch. Still, it makes me feel somewhat guilty for having thoughts like “good, because he was a cancer on the city of Cleveland” or “maybe he’ll get treatment for being a shitty coach too.”

Holy crap, Shooter, that was over the line

Shut up, Lance, or I’ll kick you in the nut. Which is still one more than Butch has.