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In my second of my How-to series of updates, I now explore the world of the College Marching Band. Most college fans and students have two outlooks when it comes to marching bands:

1) “Who the fuck are these guys, and why do I have the uncontrollable urge to throw batteries, beer, cups of piss (University of Georgia exclusive) and other things at them?!”

2) “Our marching band is the GREATEST IN THE NATION, who won WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS, and if you talk bad about us, you are a STUPID FAGGOT”

Needless to say, the Marching Band is a explosive topic that one must be careful when discussing. However, almost every school with a football team has a marching band, but most of the time, you never see them. Obviously these schools have not had any exposure for their band and needs to work on that, as the Marching Band is a sacred tradition along with beer, tailgating and jorts. Have no fear, however, as I am here to help you in all your “8 to 5″ needs.

Step One: Write Shit on the Field

While any team can go out there and spell “Valdosta State Community College,” the truly impressive settle for style and simplicity. Of course there’s always the classic Script Ohio, but honestly, it’s not that impressive. However, because the band does this spelling at every home game and championship game they feel like shitting the bed on, this tradition has gained fame all over the world.

But fame didn’t come from mere repetition, or being self-named “The Best Damned Band in the Land” (that honor belongs to the aforementioned VSCC Fightin’ Chickenhawks). Instead, there’s a well-kept secret at THE Ohio State University. In 1936, the first “Script Ohio” was performed in the game against Indiana University as OSU officials started the first class to aid in student-athlete’s grades, as well as the general student population - State Spelling and Recitation 294 - The State of Ohio*. A 44-credit hour class, Ohio State students are encouraged to attend games, slowly reading and following along as the band - unbeknownst to them - slowly spells “Ohio”. As college football games began to be televised, the term “Distance Learning” was born, as OSU offered credits to whomever watched an OSU football game, thus making University of Florida students not only owners of OSU’s testicles, but also semi State alumni.

*SSR 295 is an honors class at OSU, which students can further earn credits by correctly finishing the spelling of the state yelled out to them by instructors.

Step Two: Be Complete Dickheads (Or: Getting in the Fucking Way)

Everyone loves practical jokes. Whether it be saran-wrapping a car, putting a Jolly Rancher in your roommate’s shower head, or convincing your girlfriend’s dumb friend she’s pregnant, these are staples of most college students’ lifestyles in their days at school. However, if you’re a band member at Stanford University, be prepared to up the ante.

Stanford’s band has a long history of doing stupid shit, be it making fun of Notre Dame, the Irish and the Potato Famine (coincidental, thought to be started by Charlie Weis’ great-great-great grandfather), driving a white Bronco with a bloody handprints during the OJ Simpson trial, or the time they pushed those pregnant co-eds down the stairs, these guys are masters in their perfection of douchebaggery. Rumor has it, entrance into the band requires a strict screening process that includes beating homeless people, sodomizing puppies and worst of all, stealing jokes for Carlos Mencia.

It was funny in 1941, and it is now!

The Stanford is seen above giving the Nazi salute to the USC marching band. So, thinking about getting your college band on the national stage, go bomb an orphanage, or get in the way of the fucking game.

Step Three: Be Terrible

Most people who join marching bands in college are those who are dedicated enough to take a geeky high school activity and turn it into joining a 300 member jukebox for drunken students to sing to every Saturday. Most colleges require tryouts to even join the band. But that never really explains why some bands are just so damn bad.

Namely, I’m talking about The University of Florida’s Pride of the Sunshine Band. In person, they are worse than any college band I’ve seen, and worse than several high school bands. They got blown away by the Buckeye band before the NC game this year (although I don’t think that’s what people care about). In fact, during fall practices, the UF band was reportedly was outmarched and outplayed by the Gainesville Middle School band during recess.

Step Four: Play the Same Damn Song. Again. And again. And again.

For most students, the best thing about the band is they play songs you can sing to, and nothing is more fun than drunkenly singing “Hey Baby” or getting your own “Hey” in “Rock n Roll Part 2″. Some schools, however, make use of this fact, and use it as a license to have the band play a song 100-200 times per quarter. FSU’s war chant is annoying as anyone can yell and wave their arms. Same with the aforementioned Florida band with the “Go Gators” cheer. But one team takes it as far as repetition goes:

“Rocky Top” - Pride of the Southland - Tennessee - The embodiment of hillbillyism, this song is played by the Tennessee marching band around 30-40 times per game to the point where even the band members themselves get tired of hearing the damn song. Notable occasions that warrant the song to be played include big first downs, big third downs, medium-sized 2nd downs, botched passes by the punter, and fumbling at the goal line. If you’re not convinced, look at some of the choice lyrics:

Once two strangers climbed ol’ Rocky Top,
Lookin for a moonshine still,
Strangers ain’t come down from Rocky Top,
Reckon’ they never will.

And even better

Once I had a girl on Rocky Top,
Half bear, the other half cat,
Wild as a mink, but sweet as soda pop,
I still dream about that.

Take a listen for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/v/blOcoIluidM

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So there you have it folks. Follow one or more of these simple steps, and you’ll be that much closer to getting drenched in beer at your next away game!*Note, this article is written by a current member of a pretty famous marching band, so he knows. Oh yes, I know.