Hell2DaNaw primarily focuses on college football. However, as you may have noticed, it gets a little slow here during the offseason. The upcoming NFL Draft involves picking college players (some of whom have actually stepped foot in a college classroom!), so we thought we’d kill a little time with an exclusive preview of the upcoming NFL Draft.
The Playmakers
The NFL is all about dynamic playmakers. Upside, tremendous tools, that sort of thing. No NFL team that can’t win a regional track meet has a prayer of competing at a high level. It’s nothing like the college game where sheer determination, heart, and payroll are the sole factors for success. That’s why by far the best predictor of a player’s future success is their performance at the annual NFL Scouting Combine held each April in Indianapolis.
After all, how else would scouts have uncovered future studs like Mike Mamula and Jeff George? Scouting is a hard business. They have to be up by the crack of noon every day, they undoubtedly have severe back pain from uncomfortable airline seats, and no challenge is more grueling than settling down in your favorite chair and watching football for half of the day. It’s a tough gig, and that’s why they need shortcuts to make their job easier, like the handy stopwatch.
This is the ultimate arbiter of NFL success.
At the combine, players have to perform many tasks. There’s the wonderlic, a wonder of science that phrenologically determines the size of a player’s brain. When the Niners drafted Alex Smith, they were not just getting a quarterback of the future. They were hedging their bets, drafting a future President of the United States if he busts in football. However, the NFL as a whole cares little about such things, it’s not the National Philosophy League. Really, the only stat that matters is the 40-yard dash. Without his fantastic 40 time, how else would we know that Calvin Johnson is a good football player? How else could we avoid potential busts like Jerry Rice in favor of toolsy studs like Charles Rogers? Take our word for it, no one runs the 40-yard dash as well as Ted Ginn.
The most exciting 4-yard loss in the history of College Football.
From his years at Ohio State, it’s clear that Ginn has the SEC speed you need to succeed at the next level. From the naked eye you can tell that the stopwatches will really be kind to Ginn. Speed is just something that cannot be taught. After a few months of training in Arizona, working out, improving his nutritional intake, and learning techniques to improve his 40 times, Ginn is ready to take the NFL by storm. With his burning speed, it’d be foolish to worry about silly things like his hands or propensity to injure himself celebrating in the National Championship Game.
Winning Is Everything
However, there’s a flipside to that coin. Some intangibles just cannot be measured. Heart. Guts. Scrappiness. Andy Reid’s Mormon loyalty. Adam Shada’s pictures of Kirk Ferentz naked with a lampshade on his head. These are the factors that help a team win, and they can’t be measured on a test. Actually, hold that thought, because we just realized we can make a fortune selling X-rays to NFL teams to measure their players’ intestinal fortitudes.
Jared Zabransky knows how to win.
While in college you might be able to get by on pure athleticism alone, on the pro gridiron you will need guys who have been there, who have fire. Born winners like Mike Haas and Martin Nance don’t just fall out of the sky. They have to be selectively bred in secret Aryan Nations camps, and their birth certificates have to be forged to keep the caste police from ending their careers prematurely. But if you get one of these guys on the field, watch out. Opposing players will be so distracted by the pastiness of their skin that the Hasses of the world will be able to waltz right into the end zone time after time.
Previewing the Top 5 picks
1. Oakland - QB Jared Zabransky. Al Davis’s slogan is “just win, baby”. Jared Zabransky just plain knows how to win. With the success of the Statue of Liberty play, just think of what brand of trickery he could bring to the No Fun League. Flea Flickers, hook-and-ladders, and that old stalwart, the Cleveland Steamer.
2. Detroit - WR Ted Ginn. We have heard through the grapevine that one Mr. Matt Millen is enamored with wide receivers. This is premium info, so please be courteous not to spread the secret all over the internet. Ginn is sure to be the weapon that finally saves “Broadway” Joey Harrington’s career. His NFL career, not his burgeoning success modeling Nike’s firefighter chic gear at Oregon.
3. Cleveland - RB Michael Bush. With their talent deficiency, Cleveland will just have to not be so cautious for once, overlooking Bush’s lengthy injury history due to his tremendous upside.
4. Washington (via trade) - QB JaMarcus Russell. Extreme Skins is reporting that the Redskins have tentatively agreed to trade the team’s draft picks for the next thirty years for a chance at this big-armed SEC talent.
5. Arizona - QB Brady Quinn. Matt Leinart just is not cutting the mustard with the Cardinals. In the NFL, you’re only as good as your QB, and Leinart didn’t win many games last year. Quinn, a bodybuilder by trade, has been touched by the magical hands of Charlie Weis. So you know you’re instantly getting the second coming of Tom Brady here. Quinn should help lead Zona to multiple consecutive offseason championships. He will also help turbocharge recruiting for the Cardinals’ landlords, that local powerhouse the University of Phoenix.
Quinn just looks the part.
