Hell2DaNaw.com

Editor’s Note: In light of the recent controversy regarding radio personality Don Imus’ on-air slurs of Rutgers women’s basketball team, one H2DN writer professes his own undying devotion to those nappy-headed hos.

Greetings readers. Today, I have a shocking revelation to make to our collective self help group here at Hell 2 Da Naw. I am a big football fan. There’s a school, not too far from where I grew up, where half of my family went to college. I am soon to graduate from such school, and am also a fan of its football teams. If that does not sound too peculiar so far, keep reading to have your mind blown as if you were hypnotized by Psyduck himself.

My favorite team does not play in Jesus’s favorite professional conference, the SEC. They play in that devil’s whorehouse known as the northeast, in that glorified basketball conference called the Big East. On this very blog, which professes to cover college football, one of the writers is coming out as a goddamned Yankee, and proud of it, on a mission to destroy ol’ Dixie from its very core.

In fact, most people I know don’t believe in Jesus. In fact, they kidnap baptized children during a new moon for use in blood ritual sacrifice. They live in cold weather. They read the New York Times and love Barack Obama. Their idea of fine tailgating fare is mackeral sashimi. I have never seen a rack of ribs larger than my arm. Such is life in the great state of New Jersey, land of developmental sprawl and strip malls.

New Jersey is subject to a lot jokes, but let me fill you all in on a few things. First of all, we’re not all Italian. I’ve never seen a bottle of hairspray in my life. And here’s the big secret: we tolerate all of the jokes because we have money. A lot. More than you in fact. Thanks to the drug companies. As everybody knows, more money = better than.

Not everybody in New Jersey is wealthy though. Some of our parents only make $200,000 a year, and their unfortunate children have to suffer through state U instead. Sure, I had a few options. Syracuse had an interesting financial package. BU’s campus was intriguing. NYU and Bowdoin are now out of my thoughts beyond the occasional passing counterfactual, because I made a choice that will alternately haunt and please me for as long as I roam the Earth. I decided to attend the State University of New Jersey, Rutgers.

The most distressing thought to me? Suffering through four years of horrific football. For nearly a decade, Rutgers had been the worst Division I-A football school. Duke students, while counting down the days towards basketball season would reassure themselves that “at least we’re not Rutgers!” And they were right! And we didn’t even have basketball to look forward to. Unless you count women, and we’re not THAT pathetic! Still, it wasn’t all bad. It is a quality school for starters, and it has aspects that grow on you.

Rutgers, which had invented football in 1869, had slowly fallen behind the times. The evil forces of Notre Dame and Penn State had completely mined New Jersey dry of football talent, like you do to schools you hate when playing NCAA Football on PS2. Things were looking bleak under the totally incompetent Terry Shea.

But then, at its darkest hour, a light emerged from the shadows. A savior, born in a tiny manger in Wyckoff. Greg Schiano, a man with a dream, a man with a plan. It is difficult to describe what this man means to me. He is like a figure from the silver screen, that gruff but lovable teacher/principle/coach that initially wrecks havoc, but wills everyone to succeed and eventually wins them over by letting the ignoble rebel return and become a model player.

I have never had to know terrible football. My first two years included some mediocre teams, but also the first glimpses of hope in a while. Last year, Schiano and the great Brian Leonard finally led the Scarlet Knights into the promised land of 7-4. Glorious!

But that was not to be the end of it, because the team would not be going anywhere. 2006’s squad went gangbusters, taking over the focus of the entire state and New York City, and having the country with it’s incredible start. They fell off a little near the end, and ended up going to a terrible bowl in Houston, but we didn’t care. We wouldn’t give it up for anything, and wouldn’t change a thing either. Today Kansas State, tomorrow the world!

So, look out ACC. watch your back, Big XII. We may not have legions of boosters to keep all of our players swimming in a pool of money like Scrooge McDuck. Our stadiums might not hold over 100,000 seats. The players even have to go to class, sort of, sometimes. We may not even know not to rush the field while time is still on the clock. But fuck it all. We’ve tasted success, and we don’t want to give it up. We can’t, and, we won’t.

Heed my parting cry:

Upstream
Red Team
Red Team
Upstream
Rah
Rah
Rutgers Rah