Hell2DaNaw.com

As if you didn’t already have your calendar circled and your TIVO set, this Wednesday at 8/7c on NBC is the season finale of Friday Night Lights. Have no idea what we’re talking about? Open up your torrent client, get on usenet, or watch it legally on NBC’s website. Either way, it’s a show about football in Texas and it’s been named First Team All-American. It’s the off-season; what else are you doing?

The Dillon Panthers have made it all the way to the state championship and they’re up against a familiar face - Voodoo. Yet, we’re confused about our sexualities because we’re secretly hoping very little time is spent on the actual game itself.

Besides the obvious, here’s a list of questions that are burning in Hell 2 Da Naw’s collective mind:

When Julie Taylor, the coach’s daughter, told Matt Saracen that she was moving to Austin, what exactly was on his mind?

A) Sadness because his girlfriend was moving away
B) Sadness because his head coach was moving away
C) Happiness because he scored an amazing touchdown to win the state semi-finals last week
D) Frustration because he couldn’t remember what route the flanker ran on page 15 of the playbook
E) The urge to apologize. Not really sure what for, but it seems to be his response to everything

What kind of school is TMU? More importantly, what conference is it in?

Since the show has already mentioned the University of Texas several times (Smash wants to play for Mack Brown, Coach gets a job offer as UT’s quarterback coach), we know that it’s not a pretend name for UT despite the school’s location in Austin. Furthermore, the name seems to be a combination of TAMU and TCU, two vastly different schools in terms of size, prestige, and facilities.

We do get a glimpse of TMU’s football stadium, however. Judging by its size, Austin’s geographic location, and the fact that TMU’s first choice is a high school head coach who has been with his program for only one year, it’s safe to say that TMU is a Sun Belt school. Dear god, don’t take the job, Coach.

Why do football players get all the best girls?

We’ve always known that football players get the hottest girls, especially in high school; it’s simply a man law. But what we witnessed this past episode was just plain cruel to the common man.

First, Smash’s girlfriend tells him they can have a two week hiatus in their relationship during state - he can do whatever he wants. Why? She knows there’s going to be lots of partying and she doesn’t want to interrupt his fun. Most football players tend to do whatever they want anyways (or so I’ve learned from the Fulmer Cup), but how the heck did he manage to make it the girl’s idea?

Secondly, I watched as Mrs. Taylor rattled off not one, not two, not three, not four, but the names of five football formations off the top of her head. “And of course, the spread formation.” Name one man who doesn’t want to hear football terms used as dirty talk by his significant other.

Who pushes you around?

Nobody.