Editor’s Note: This is the second in a four part preview of the ACC. Part One can be found here
Florida State
The good news for Seminoles fans is that after suffering years of mental and physical abuse from his son and offensive coordinator Jeff Bowden, coach Bobby Bowden finally relented and entered a halfway home for battered and abused women. And even better news soon followed, as Jeff was arrested and convicted of elderly neglect and sentenced to 5 years of house arrest and a discounted salary of $107,500 per year until the term is completed.
As part of his ongoing rehabilitation, Coach Bowden hired away LSU’s offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher to serve as his new offensive coordinator, and also called upon a pair of former FSU standouts, new receivers coach Lawrence Dawsey and new running backs coach Dexter Carter, to help rebuild the incredible offensive juggernaut that the ‘Noles had become famous for throughout much of the 90’s. Bobby also rehired former assistant-turned-NCSU head coach and reputed mobster Chuck Amato to help rebuild the incredible convicted criminal enterprise that the ‘Noles had become famous for throughout much of the 90’s.
I make offers to recruits they can’t refuse, eyyyy.
All of this is great news for the Seminole Nation, except that they still don’t have a quarterback worth a hobo’s bottle of piss and are saddled with an offensive line as mobile as techtonic plates. There’s no reason to expect a return to prominence just in 2007, so we’ll predict an undefeated season for Florida State just in case a massive earthquake splits California off from the rest of the country. Those techtonic plates can be sly foxes sometimes.
Georgia Tech
By all reasonable measurements, Calvin Johnson was the best player in college football in 2006. By all reasonable and unreasonable measurements, Reggie Ball was the worst player in college football in 2006. Now then, since both of them are leaving the program at the same time, they are basically cancelling each other out. And if we follow the unending arc of logic that I’ve so painstakingly laid out, that means the Yellow Jerkhats will have exactly the same record again (9-5) in 2007.
Except that there’s no way Georgia Tech loses 5 games in 2007 with a QB “not named Reggie Ball” at the controls. GTech is actually a very talented team, but the gravitational sucktitude of their starting quarterback prevented any long-term success from occuring. Seriously, there’s no other logical explanation for the continually underthrown and inaccurate throws, constant slips and fall downs in the face of no pressure, and multitude of boneheaded decisions by this man.
We wish we were making this up.
Free of the weird science of ‘Nature’s Anomaly’*, and on the shoulders of underpublisized running back Tashard Choice, I’m predicting a 12-2 season and a BCS berth for the Ramblin’ Wreck. Because somebody has to win the ACC and please God, don’t let it be Wake Forest again.
*actual nickname given to him by his high school teammates was “ahahaha, he got a scholarship offer???”
Maryland
This is one of those teams that is a nightmare to write up a preview for. I mean, nobody really expects them to win the ACC, yet they have a decent team, but they don’t really have a nationwide following to speak of. And somehow they are the official team of UnderArmour performance athletic gear so they MUST PROTECT THIS HOOOOUSE!
This is a non sequitur. If you don’t know Latin, this is the starting kicker.
Unfortunately, the only thing the Terps will be protecting is the buffet from their fat ass head coach, because once Ralph Friedgen gets a whiff of those wonderful crab cakes, it’s one continous orgy of eating until there’s nothing left except empty food service trays and dry cans of Sterno. What, did you think this freak actually drank normal liquids?
This actually says “Canned Meat” in Friedgenese
To sum up: Maryland doesn’t stink; their coach is really, really fat (fucking huge, dude); and that ripped black guy in the UnderArmour commercials doesn’t really play for them. It’s 8 or 9 wins and another middle-tier bowl in either Orlando or Texas for the mighty Terrestrial Turtles of College Park, MD.
Next on the docket: Miami, North Carolina, and North Carolina State. Thugs, losers, and thuggish losers. I’ll leave it to you to guess which is which!
