Hell2DaNaw.com

New to college football, but still want to fit in around the water cooler? Dropping the latest in buzzwords will ensure anyone will look like they know what they’re talking about. But incorrect usage will make you seem like Paterno’s contemporary. That’s why Hell2DaNaw is introducing the College Football Dictionary. Let’s start off with one of the staples of Saturday television viewing: definitions of things you’ll hear during College Gameday.

Big ‘n Rich: beg n’ rech Form of speech: Noun. Instead of having a traditional marching band play a generic college fight song as a theme, College Gameday has Big ‘n Rich informing you that they’ll be arriving to your city sometime in the future. “We’re comin’ to your ci-tay, unless you’re in the Sun Belt.” Synonyms: Highlight reels.

Early Game: ar-lee gaem Form of speech: Noun. Reserved for games that fans, players, and coaches of the teams playing would like to leave by halftime. “And in the early game, Cal will battle an Eastern Michigan squad on the rise.” Antonyms: Conference match up, Notre Dame, BCS implications.

Giant Mascot Head: gy-ent maz-cot had Form of speech: Lee Corso. Before the game that College Gameday is at, Lee Corso will wear the mascot head of the team he thinks will win. Or the one that he likes the best. “Shit Lee, I think I puked in that Giant Mascot Head.”

Heiseman Candidate: heiz-man can-dee-dat Form of speech: Noun. Used primarily in reference to the top 4 returning quarterbacks, the best returning running back, and the token wide receiver. “I can’t wait to see that Heisman Candidate playing on Sundays.” Synonym: NFL bust.

Lee Corso: leeeee cur-so Form of speech: ESPN. When everyone jokingly says that Joe Paterno has dementia, they haven’t seen Lee Corso try to interview Traveler, the horse from USC. “And now I’ll turn it over to former Indiana football coach Lee Corso.” Synonyms: Old People, Penis.

Special Teams: spa-sheel teemz Form of speech: Noun. If an analyst doesn’t want to pick a team to win, he’ll say “This is going to be a close game, and whoever wins special teams will win the game.” Note: Can also be used if someone ran back a kickoff or punt, in the form “Ooooh boy, I like this team’s special teams, they’re extra special!” They would actually say that sentence.

Upside: up-syd Form of speech: Noun. When Kirk Herbstreit was up all night partying with co-eds and didn’t properly prepare to talk about a game, he’ll read the name off a jersey during the highlight reel and claim that player has upside. “Damn, I’m almost puking, but that Toobuw for Florida has major upside.” See: Mid-major.

Whoosh!: whooooszh Form of speech: Lee Corso. When someone runs really fast on a highlight reel, Lee Corso will say “Wow, lookat that kid go! Whoosh! Into the endzone!” Synonyms: Zip! Wowie!