Hope springs eternal on practice fields across America on the eve of a new off-season. Starting positions will be won and lost; some dreams forged, others shattered; and the Fulmer Cup standings are just beginning to take shape.
And so to completely destroy these fleeting notions of peace on Earth and goodwill towards men, I offer up this team-by-team analysis of the most hilarious, unpossible BCS conference around, the ACC. I’ll be doing this in four installments of three teams each, because let’s be honest, there’s only so much horseshit that even fans of teams in this conference can consume in one sitting.
Boston College
Having your head coach plucked for a more prestigious job is frustrating but understandable. Having your head coach leave to head up your bitter rival’s program is akin to being stabbed in the back. Having your head coach leave for the greener pastures of North Carolina State is like getting suckerpunched by a hobo on the bus who doesn’t even bother to take your wallet because you look like you don’t have any money.
However, all is not lost for the Eagles as they have picked the fruit of the Polish apple tree in Mike Krzyzewski’s (pronounced “I Get All the Effin’ White Blue Chippers, Dammit”) yard by hiring Jeff Jagodzinski, who immediately pledged in his first presser to do ‘whatever it takes to ensure our continued success in college basketball.’ Soon thereafter he was informed of his actual employment position and he followed up with the slightly less bombastic yet no less meaningful ‘can you guys rewind your recorders and pretend that never happened?’
And there’s some other stuff too, like the Eagles returning All-ACC QB Matt Ryan and 16 starters overall, but let’s be honest: nobody outside of New England cares, and even 73% of New Englanders don’t care because the Patriots kick ass.
Clemson
I could spend this entire space extolling the virtues of Terry Bowden’s gameday coaching savvy, but that would be outright lying to your face. I could mention the terrific tandem of runners James Davis and C.J. Spiller and wonder why this team ever throws the ball and demand an explanation as to why they don’t run it on every single down, but someone would email me about Arkansas in 2006 ultimately failing using that very strategy. Then someone else would call me a stupid, fat loser who doesn’t know anything and my burgeoning reputation would be shot. So to avoid all that unpleasantness, and also to avoid explaining how I don’t have a reputation to begin with, I’ll just say that Clemson will start fast, flame out towards the end of the season, and win 8 or 9 games by sheer dumb luck.
Raise tha roof, you go white boy!
Not enough W’s to win the ACC, too many W’s to fire Terry. Have fun in purgatory, Tiger fans!
Duke
I’ll say this for the poor Blue Devils: they were 3 yards shy of beating Miami last season. Granted, the ‘Canes were a poorly coached shadow of their former selves, but even so, having a bunch of nerds and future cardiovascular surgeons play close with a squad full of thugs that likely used to beat them up for lunch money is almost the same as winning the national championship. (note: not actually almost the same at all)
Unfortunately, that’s all the good news Duke has to offer as their best player, CB John “I Pwned your hypotenuse theorem and top receiver” Talley, is moving on to the NFL where he’ll be doubling as a nighttime tutor for other pro athletes in the exciting fields of:
- filling out a blank check correctly
- how to avoid “Making It Rain” when you’re not in a strip club
- viable excuses to text your baby mama for missing a child support payment
I’m a little light this week, the dog ate my paycheck
However, when you haven’t won a game in 20 outings, you can’t possibly get any worse and there’s nowhere to go but up. So chances are- *smirk* *cackle* *choke*
Hey, at least I tried. Yes, it’s likely another 0 and 11 for the Dukies with a side order of ‘misdeameanor death by vehicle’, courtesy of star wide receiver Raphael Chestnut. Does unintentional homicide count towards unintentional homicide towards Fulmer Cup standings? Anyone?
Coming in Part 2: Spring practice and police blotter reports on Florida State, Georgia Tech and Maryland; plus Ralph Friedgen takes the H2DN Physical Challenge and attempts to find his genitals without use of reflective surfaces!
No chance. None.
*My editors have informed me that Clemson’s head coach’s first name is actually Tommy and not Terry. I sincerely apologize to no one since all Bowden-named coaches suck.
