Hell2DaNaw.com

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, chances are you are a fan of a school in the only conference that matters, the Southeastern Conference. The Floridas, Tennessees, Georgias, Auburns and LSUs of the world, and sure, the Mississippis, South Carolinas, Kentuckys and the Mississippi States are teams that every fan should be proud of and hold to the highest standard against the best of any other conference (If you are a fan of Vanderbilt, you have nothing to be proud of). In order to get you fully prepared to talk down to fans of other teams in other conferences, follow this easy guide, and you too can claim close-minded superiority.

Step One: “The SEC - plain and simple - has better athletes”

Also known as “SEC Speed”, this mantra is the first thing an SEC fan should resort to in any argument or dispute of any kind. Kentucky playing USC? Mississippi against Michigan at home? Pick the SEC school. Every time. We play real men’s football down here, none of that pussy Pac-10 shit or corn-fed pretend football in the Big 10, and besides our athletes being able to rape your family in the minute or so between plays from afar, we’re fast. No matter what the line is, how favored the other team is, go SEC without thinking, because we all know what happened the last time some overhyped Big-10 powerhouse nancies were favored over the SEC:
“Who is Troy Smith, and why should I care about his Heisman?”

Step Two: “Sure, we could go undefeated too if we played the cupcake D-II opponents you have in the (insert conference here)”

SEC fans, skip this part, you already know how scary this is. Fans from other conferences, close your eyes. Imagine your 2007 schedule. Remove Minnesota, Northwestern, Stanford, Oregon. Take away those difficult non-conference games such as Louisiana Tech, Idaho and Southwestern California A&M Community College. Now imagine playing Florida, Georgia, and Tennessee every year. Or visiting Tuscaloosa, Death Valley or Jordan-Hare every other year. Did you pee a little bit? We’re sure you did.

Here in the SEC we don’t settle for “money games” and easy wins to boost our rankings. Hell, if they’d let us we’d have games against the Colts, Bears, or Patriots (not Lions though, like I said, no cupcakes). We play REAL football with REAL men and don’t schedule the Southern Montana Anorexic School for Blind Girls for homecoming. Hell, Tennessee coming into 2006 was ranked 23rd and scheduled their FIRST game against those hippies from Cal (then ranked 9th in the country). The result? Women and children, shield your eyes:

“35-18? These Pac-10 Sallys got beat by a team whose coach can’t COUNT to 35″

Step Three: No matter what, Notre Dame sucks.

• “We’re a prestigious school with decades of football history!”
• “We aren’t in a conference, so we play the best in the country!”
• “We have Charlie Weis!”
• “We have Jimmy Clausen!”

The above are a few of the arguments one might hear from Fighting Irish fans about their team. But we all know, Notre Dame sucks. Rudy was a stupid ass movie with hobbits, and Lou Holtz knew where real men coached (which explains how terrible South Carolina was under him). The following are scientific FACTS verified in research facilities around the world:

“We’re a prestigious school!” - You’re a team who was good for awhile that plays in the middle of farm country. You resort to using Jesus as a de-facto mascot and the one airport within 300 miles is right beside your practice field.
“We don’t play in a conference!” - Pat yourself on the back. You play Navy, Stanford and Duke next year. That’s worse than kicking paralyzed orphan kittens with cancer. Shame on you.
“We have Charlie Weis!” - Fat. Fat fat fat. Not to mention gay for Tom Brady/Brady Quinn. We do “big” well in SEC - Look at this specimen of a man:

Ask coach O if he’s added a few pounds. Dare ya.

“We have Jimmy Clausen” - Check the last name. Go ahead. Say it to yourself - “Clausen“. No further questions.

Step Four: Pac-10 = Fags.

You may have to spend some time arguing character with Big 10, ACC, Big 12 or Big East fans, and you shouldn’t even look at or speak to Conference USA pussies, but when it comes to the Pac-10, only one word should escape your lips - “fags”.
With such manly places like San Francisco and Los Angeles, we know that the backbone of college football isn’t recruiting homegrown boys on Friday nights, but cruising California hotspots “The Man-hole”, “The Tool Box” and favorite bar of Matt Leinart “Bottoms Up”. You should love America when you play football, and as our Southern Gentleman president said, “If you’re gay, you’re Unamerican!”. Plus, if they run out of homos, they always go to the pot-smoking, anti-war, tree hugging hippies.

---

So there you have it. When the facts are laid out in front of you, there is no denying: The SEC is the only college football conference that matters. Just ignore the Independence Bowl, the Outback Bowl, and the Capital One Bowl. We couldn’t win all our BCS bowls AND the rest. That wouldn’t be fair.