Hell2DaNaw.com

Dear Hell 2 Da Naw,

I come reporting terrible news. Rice University’s football games are simply out of control. Their fans’ rowdiness, heathenry, and general impiety is so terrifying that I have vowed never to return to their den of sin campus. Now, in my twenty years as a superfan of Big XII powerhouse Baylor, I’ve seen some pretty crazy things, trust me. But nothing could prepare me for the myriad sins of the Owls.

Heavens above, I saw a young damsel cavorting with a suitor within twenty yards of children! Worse still, an even more lecherous couple had the audacity to hold hands despite being of different races. They did not even have the decency to separate as the lord intended! However, the unquestionable lowlight of the evening was when a bunch of hoodlums entered the parking lot as I was leaving, completely unclothed above their waists, exhibiting no decency, and openly consuming the devil’s liquor, blueberry schnapps.

Judgment is at hand, for the mighty lord God will surely smite that den of sin and inquity, Rice University. In the mean time, I can only urge their surely unbaptized fans to repent in the name of almighty Jesus. Hallelujah, Amen! - Worried in Waco

Dear Worried,

Sounds like a party! We were pretty wild in our day, sneaking kegs into the stadium and scared to jeepers that Dean Worner would expel us. Those Rice scoundrels though, they seem like they’re taking an already rotten profession to a new low. We wouldn’t personally know, as we have all been too morbidly obese to leave our front doors since Pappy Bush was in offense, so we’ll take your word for it on this one. Thanks for the heads up.

Dear Hell 2 Da Naw,

I would like to announce my new website, FireTerryHoeppner.com. Here at Indiana, the great Lee Corso established a commitment to excellence in football that grips our fans to this very day. After all, Indiana is called the “Hoosier State” in reference to our utter devotion to pigskin. We have the greatest fans in the country, and it is a continuing disgrace that we have to settle for 5-7.

With all the talent in Indiana High Schools, the state could easily handle supplying Indiana, Purdue, and Notre Dame with ample talent, with enough table scraps remaining to keep the rest of the Big Ten above water. There’s simply no excuse for losing, none! Now Hoeppner apologists will probably complain and protest that his record is excusable given that we went .500 while he was coaching, the team’s best record in decades, and lost two heartbreakers in the middle of the season while the coach was having surgery to get a brain tumor removed. Hogwash! The great Corso wouldn’t let a malignant brain tumor stop him. Please, we need more publicity to really fire up the grassroots for this campaign.

With any luck, Hoeppner will be out before we know it and the great PENIS will return to the coaching ranks. For years now he has slowly been biding his time in broadcasting, compiling an extensive array of knowledge. Any viewer of College Gameday, in recognition of his insightful analysis, surely yearned for Corso to be roaming the sidelines again instead of being in the studio every week. Gameday will suffer of course from this monumental defection, but I’m confident Lou Holtz is savvy enough to carry the show on his own. - Mad in Muncie

Dear Mad,

Somebody’s got a case of the Mondays! However, we couldn’t agree more. What the world needs now, with war raging in the Middle East and the great powers on the brink of nuclear catastrophe again, is clearly the calming presence of Lee Corso. We fondly recall the memories of the first Corso era, and cannot wait to soon be opining about his glorious return to Division I-A football. Now excuse us for a minute, we have to call our bookies and lay down a Jefferson or two on Indiana’s Big Ten Championship in 2008.

Dear Hell 2 Da Naw,

Coach Bowden has been pretty vocal in his love for Coldplay. As in character and staffing, Foghorn has shown to be without peer when it comes to judging music as well, crediting his passion to singer Chris Martin’s heartfelt harmonies and the rhythm section’s complex but subtle melodies. Care to give us fans out there the inside scoop on other coaches’ favorite bands? - Terrified in Tallahassee

Dear Terrified,

Normally we would be hesitant to spill the beans given the years we have spent building relationships and gaining each coach’s trust. You asked nicely though, and were kind enough to include a (hopefully not underage!) nude photograph of yourself attached to your email, so we will be happy to indulge our readers this once! However, don’t blame us though when, in the future, none of our vast array of insiders wants to give us the exclusive dirt any more.

From hearsay over the years, it’s pretty well-known that Nick Saban is a die-hard Sex Pistols fan. Joe Paterno has been spotted at several KISS gigs in the vicinity of State College recently, while Ed Orgeron has been known to mesmerize recruits on home visits with his impressive array of Shakira memorabilia. Unquestionably, Bowden has been the most vocal fan in this category, hands down. At a recent gig in London, the band was seen storming to their limo with Bowden frantically limping in pursuit, pleading unsuccessfully for the band to perform a personal acoustic encore of “Clocks” backstage for him. Bobby, that’s the kind of treatment you get when you haven’t been to the MNC game in 7 years!