Hell2DaNaw.com

So, you want to be a powerhouse SEC program. Let us give you some tips.

Step 1:

Find an appropriate major to put all the talented athletes in. Sorry, Sociology is no longer an option. We would like to recommend Criminal Justice, Sports Training, and Horticulture. We also encourage lowering the academic standards of your school to the point where 95% of all athletes and 65% of all primates could qualify.

Step 2:

Find plenty of redneck fans that will support you no matter what happens. The drunker the better. Stock up on Budweiser and Dale Earnhardt stickers.

Step 3:

Money. A ton of it. In fact, if half your boosters aren’t former plantation owners, current bank board members, or Scrooge McDuck then you are doomed to fail. Even if you have to take a loan, build more luxury boxes. Preferably made of solid gold with at least 6 plasma screen televisions inside, showing the game that is on the field. Don’t ask why, just do it.

Step 4:

Speed. If you don’t have at least 10 guys on your team running a 4.2 40, you are doomed to fail. At least one of those should be a linebacker. If needed have your track run downhill with a giant fan running behind them. Fans don’t care how it is done as long as you have record of players running this fast.

Step 5:

At least 8 running backs that could “start on any team in the nation.” Of course in this case, 4 of those players snap like a twig every time they are hit. 2 of them are really converted defensive players that will never see playing time. And the other two either run the ball into your linemen every down or fumble any time you have a crucial play that needs to be completed. None of this matters. Instead, keep stocking up on running backs and talk about how you are going to bring back the wishbone. Every year.

Step 6:

Break NCAA rules and get caught. That’s right, to be a powerhouse in the SEC you must have been on probation roughly 25% of the time you’ve been in the league. Aim to be near the top of the Fulmer Cup every year. Being on probation does a bunch to build a program. First, it ensures that you have quality players (since you cheated to get them). Second, it gives you much needed exposure in the media since they will talk about you every time you play a game and even twice as much in the off season when there are no games. And lastly, it helps keep all your rivalries in check as all your fans will begin blaming every other coach in the league for getting you in trouble.

Step 7:

Recruiting. This is huge. If your recruiting class isn’t in the top 5 at all times you will fail. This includes recruiting classes one and two years into the future. That’s right, before you even have a player committed your recruiting class should be in the top 5. Trust me, you don’t want to piss off your drunk redneck fans when they see that some mid-major school like Texas or Oklahoma has passed them in the rankings by signing some 2* kid from the middle of some town you’ve never heard of. They will begin drinking even more and then you’ll end up with bricks through your coach’s window. The same thing happens if you lose to your biggest rival more than one time in a decade.

Step 8:

Be disrespected. If you don’t constantly feel like people aren’t giving you respect, please go to the PAC-10 or the ACC or the WAC or something. In fact you should get so much disrespect that even when ranked #1 you are favored to lose games at night in your home stadium. This is something that most middle of the road SEC schools struggle with. The reason you must be favored to lose is because the second you are expected to win a game half your team will get the flu and the other half will begin trying to catch bugs on the field.

Step 9:

Have the “Best Defense in the Country™.” Claim the #1 spot in at least one defensive category. These include but are not limited to one of the following categories: Yards Allowed, Touchdowns Allowed, Average Yards Allowed Per Play, Defensive Red Zone Scoring %, Defensive Penalty Yards, 1^st Downs Allowed, Pass Breakups, Turnover Margin. If you can’t find your category there, you better be able to make one up. Like Yards given up on third down divided by those given up on first and second down times the number of people on your team with the last name Williams.

And there you have it, your guide to becoming an SEC powerhouse. When your team is basking in the glow of “no respect” and NCAA probations multiple national championships you can come back and thank us.