March 31, 2007
Hope springs eternal on practice fields across America on the eve of a new off-season. Starting positions will be won and lost; some dreams forged, others shattered; and the Fulmer Cup standings are just beginning to take shape.
And so to completely destroy these fleeting notions of peace on Earth and goodwill towards men, I offer up this team-by-team analysis of the most hilarious, unpossible BCS conference around, the ACC. I’ll be doing this in four installments of three teams each, because let’s be honest, there’s only so much horseshit that even fans of teams in this conference can consume in one sitting.
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Posted by evang
March 30, 2007
University of Michigan starting tight end Carson Butler was recently kicked off the team, along with teammate and friend Chris Richards. Why? According to the Michigan Daily Butler and Richards attacked a fellow student for ‘no reason.’ Yet the paper goes on to explain that not only had the student asked to borrow an iron, but he had allegedly “talked crap” about Richards in class. I’m no psychologist, but those seem like just the kind of aggressive actions that could cause a finely honed athlete like Mr. Butler to fly into an uncontrollable rage.
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No Comments » | Big Ten, Law & Order | Permalink
Posted by Marquis de Pyro
March 30, 2007
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, chances are you are a fan of a school in the only conference that matters, the Southeastern Conference. The Floridas, Tennessees, Georgias, Auburns and LSUs of the world, and sure, the Mississippis, South Carolinas, Kentuckys and the Mississippi States are teams that every fan should be proud of and hold to the highest standard against the best of any other conference (If you are a fan of Vanderbilt, you have nothing to be proud of). In order to get you fully prepared to talk down to fans of other teams in other conferences, follow this easy guide, and you too can claim close-minded superiority.
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5 Comments | SEC | Permalink
Posted by SaxMaverick
March 29, 2007
Dear Hell 2 Da Naw,
I come reporting terrible news. Rice University’s football games are simply out of control. Their fans’ rowdiness, heathenry, and general impiety is so terrifying that I have vowed never to return to their den of sin campus. Now, in my twenty years as a superfan of Big XII powerhouse Baylor, I’ve seen some pretty crazy things, trust me. But nothing could prepare me for the myriad sins of the Owls. Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | ACC, Big Ten, Big XII, Mid-Majors/Independents, SEC | Permalink
Posted by bleedscarlet
March 28, 2007
This is Noel Devine, a poverty-stricken young man from the ghettos of North Fort Meyers. He holds the high-school rushing records for both yardage and touchdowns for Lee County, and with your illegal booster donations to Noel, you can help recruit him for mere thousands of dollars a day.
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6 Comments | Recruiting | Permalink
Posted by coco13
March 28, 2007
You know that familiar sound that comes from the stadium as you stagger towards it just as the game starts? Those drums you hear as you’re pissing into the trough during halftime? Those non-Zombie Nation songs that play during the game? That is your marching band. They dress like retards and take up a whole section of seats that are way better than yours. We have taken the time to carefully rank the five worst marching bands in existence.
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73 Comments | ACC, Big East, Big Ten, Big XII, Pac 10, Rankings | Permalink
Posted by Reggie Rembert
March 27, 2007
So, you want to be a powerhouse SEC program. Let us give you some tips.
Step 1:
Find an appropriate major to put all the talented athletes in. Sorry, Sociology is no longer an option. We would like to recommend Criminal Justice, Sports Training, and Horticulture. We also encourage lowering the academic standards of your school to the point where 95% of all athletes and 65% of all primates could qualify.
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4 Comments | SEC | Permalink
Posted by drunkpaul
March 27, 2007
Today is my birthday, and I’ve found that as you get older, you begin thinking about your own mortality. As a child, you don’t seem to recognize your own impending death, but as you get older and things start going wrong with your body, you seem to realize it a little bit more every day. We’re no spring chickens.
Thus, if this topic is weighing heavily on my mind at the tender age of 28, then I believe we have our excuse for the recent shoddy performance of the Florida State Seminoles. Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | ACC | Permalink
Posted by proteus4994
March 26, 2007
As spring practice gets underway for Your Favorite Team, many questions naturally arise. Does Coach still have what it takes? Is Young Skill Position Player the next big thing? Will Old Skill Position Player be able to coordinate his efforts with New Freshman? What new tricks will the new coordinator/assistant coach bring to the table? What effect will the departing NFL-Caliber Player’s loss have on his side of the ball?
Quite frankly, Your Favorite Team will quickly turn into one of the contenders for Conference Champion. Read the rest of this entry »
6 Comments | Predictions | Permalink
Posted by coco13
